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On Beauty: Thoughts About Aging & Appearance

July 14, 2015

darcy's cafe
Over the past nine months or so, I’ve struggled a lot with my physical appearance. I know I don’t get personal on the blog very often, but after a bit of consideration I felt that this was an important subject to bring up. In a world and industry that’s so inundated with the need and desire to appear attractive, it’s easy to get caught up with and put an unhealthy emphasis on the outside – and often without second thought. And so, here’s a break from the regularly scheduled, light-hearted personal style posts for some musings of the heart.
journaling coffee shop

I wouldn’t say that I’ve ever been overly obsessed with my appearance by any means, but this year I realized how much it’d innately become part of my identity. Although my self esteem has been pretty healthy since I graduated high school, this year I’ve learned that a lot of it was actually grounded in looking a certain way (and this blog likely had a role in that). But recently, due to a combination of aging and perhaps just not taking very good care of myself, I’ve been forced to think differently. Challenged with a bit of weight gain, hormonal acne, new wrinkles, and eye health issues that have required me to wear glasses instead of contacts, I’ve honestly become accustomed to simply feeling unattractive most of the time.

To say that this has been inconsequential for my life would be a lie. Part of the struggle has been the real need to come to terms with getting older and not looking the same way that I did in my early 20’s. Lots of things don’t come as effortlessly anymore, and aspects of my body that I took for granted in earlier years have inevitably faded.

Through it, I’ve been forced to embrace the fact that a woman’s beauty does not primarily come from her physical appearance (big shoutout to my incredibly patient and loving boyfriend for consistently reminding me of this through my tears of frustration). And while I’ve always known that to be true in theory, seeing it play out in my own life has been highly arduous and incredibly beautiful at once. I’ve had to ask: what does it really look like to not place any of my value on how I look? Although it hasn’t been fun, being able to work through this issue head on – instead of trying to revert back to the past – has been a huge gift.

I’ve also been reminded that even as I age, I do have the important role of taking good care of myself. And for me, that means sleeping at a decent time, eating healthily (seriously hard for a carb and refined sugar addict!), exercising regularly (probably the hardest for me), and journaling my thoughts and prayers daily.

Obviously, it seems like such a first world problem to even have the luxury to contemplate this. And as I write this to you, I’m still in the midst of the struggle and probably will be to some degree for the rest of my life. I don’t really have any answers, but I do want to open up a conversation and share some of my personal challenges with beauty and appearance this year. I’d also love to know: how have issues with physical beauty played out in your life? Please do share in the comments below, or in an email if you prefer!

journaling
salad and smoothie
healthy food
vancouver coffee shops
striped shirt jeans

A special thank you to Darcy’s Cafe for providing the delicious food and location for this post.

Sweater: Club Monaco | Jeans: Uniqlo | Pumps: J.Crew  | Watch: Daniel Wellington (c/o)

Photos by Paul Milaire
Edits by Brian Chan

beauty, personal 19 Comments

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Comments

  1. Michelle Joseph says

    July 14, 2015 at 2:56 pm

    I just want to tell you that you are so beautiful. I love the simplicity of your blog and your outfits and I love reading your posts.

    Just remember that…1 Peter 3.3-4. x

    Mich x
    howshe-seesit.blogspot.co.uk

    Reply
  2. Jenny says

    July 14, 2015 at 4:25 pm

    I went through a period of terrible acne- I couldn’t look in the mirror in the morning from fear of what my skin looked like, and wearing makeup just made everything look worse. Having a supportive boyfriend made a world of difference while I went through an arduous process with my dermatologist (ended up on antibiotics and Tactuo). All to say, hang in there! Things will look up!

    Reply
  3. Kate says

    July 14, 2015 at 4:44 pm

    Oh Jen, as sorry as I am to hear you’ve been struggling with this, I also find comfort in it as I have been struggling too (big time) this past year or two. The hardest part for me is realizing how long it takes to repair the damage I have done to myself. I’m on my 8th week of working out 5 days a week and I am only starting to notice the very slightest difference and am still not back into clothes I purchased only last summer. Also dealing with adult acne (what the heck?!) and other things! So I’m with you, girl! I think all we can do is to focus on treating our bodies as best as we can and eventually I hope it will all balance out! Sending love & positive thoughts your way!! Thank you for sharing this. xo.

    Reply
  4. Xin says

    July 14, 2015 at 5:43 pm

    I definitely know what you mean about experiencing some transitions and new challenges, physical-appearance-wise, as I get closer to my late 20s. In particular, its frustrating to realize how long it takes to reverse the effects of a few weeks of questionable eating and sleeping habits! It used to be so easy to get back on track, weight and fitness-wise, when I was younger

    Because I did go through some of my worst experiences (knock on wood!) with acne and weight in my teens and early 20s, I do feel as if I’m a bit protected from feeling too badly about it now. Having those experiences allowed me to understand and accept that if some appearance-related things were important to me, I would sometimes have to work on those things (on my fitness, on taking care of myself, etc.).

    Reply
  5. Jill says

    July 14, 2015 at 6:41 pm

    I 100% know how you feel, especially as a fellow blogger, we place a lot of emphasis on our physical appearance. You are beautiful, thoughtful and intelligent, which is the best combination! 🙂

    Reply
  6. lisa says

    July 14, 2015 at 8:23 pm

    Oh boy, can I relate to this post. The one thing I’ve learned this year is doing the same things that would’ve made a big difference to my 25-year-old body don’t do anything for my 30-year-old body…because it’s a different body. As soon as I accepted that I had to explore different things (like new forms of exercise, new healthy habits, etc.) and apply added intensity, diligence, and effort, I noticed more dramatic changes.

    The best of luck with accepting and learning to care for your “today” body!

    Reply
  7. Lily says

    July 15, 2015 at 2:56 am

    I so wish I could hug you. I have been there. I think most people have. I am no spring chicken and have felt the pressure of aging and keeping up with pressures of appearances. It is easy to think about all our shortcomings, but so much harder to think about all our finest qualities that we do what is easiest.
    Don’t know who said it, but it is true-
    “It is not about being the best. It is about being better than you were yesterday”

    Reply
  8. Lucie says

    July 15, 2015 at 5:37 am

    Thanks for sharing. Fashion blogs like yours focus on the exterior, but you should know that this is the first post that made me appreciate the beauty of the writer in these photos, and I’ve been following your blog for about 2 years. We women are our own worst critics and it’s not helpful. I’m 46 now and there are days where I long for my taut 30 year old body, but longing for yesterday is useless. Every wrinkle and stretch mark has a story and I bet you, they’re wonderful stories if you share them. Keep writing, I’ll be reading!

    Reply
  9. Kate says

    July 15, 2015 at 6:58 pm

    Jen, thank you so much for sharing your struggle and your reflections. We all have our difficulties with our appearance, but as a blogger it is definitely hard to feel excited and ready to share if you’re not feeling confident about how you look or feel. Whats worse is that sometimes we feel the need to explain or apologize for how we look or feel, when really I think that blogging is about embracing who we are and sharing it with others.

    I think your comment on self-care is especially important, sometimes we just have to give ourselves a break. There’s a cute picture floating around on Pinterest that admonishes us to treat ourselves like we would treat a small child- eating healthy food, sleeping a lot, playing, and laughing. I love that advice, I need to reflect on it more.

    Thank you for sharing,
    Kate
    kateintheclassroom.com

    Reply
  10. JHA says

    July 16, 2015 at 8:07 pm

    Thank you for your vulnerability. It is so inspiring to hear your thoughts as well as the comments left by others. Despite the daily struggle of body and mind, just hearing that’s this is something we all share gives great comfort as well as encouragement to battle it head on. Thanks again❤️

    Reply
  11. Andrea H says

    July 20, 2015 at 5:17 am

    What a beautifully honest post. You have opened up a great conversation here. I think I can relate to my identity maybe being a little too tied up into how I look. I am trying to focus more on being made new and beautiful in how I am toward others, and have it be less about how I look, but it’s not easy. I am also a perfectionist by nature, and I am trying to let go of that (to a degree!). For example as I have gotten older (I am 32 and I have had three kids) I have gotten a little wrinklier/saggy in the face (particularly around the eyes) and this really bugs me, but I have tried to learn that I can still be beautiful, even with imperfections. And that if I feel beautiful on the inside I probably look more beautiful on the outside than I would if I was not beautiful on the inside.

    Thanks again for sharing your thoughts! 🙂

    Reply
  12. Amanda @ A.Co est. 1984 says

    July 22, 2015 at 1:12 pm

    Hey Jen–wow, you hit the nail on the head. Totally agree with you on this one, and glad you spoke out about it. Aging is … hard! I’ve definitely been seeing changes in the mirror that I don’t like and am TRYING to be accepting of them. Thanks for sharing and shedding light on this <3

    Reply
  13. Jenmarie says

    July 23, 2015 at 1:19 am

    I can totally relate to this post. I’ll be turning 30 in January and have seen differences in my physical appearance in the last couple of years. I now have those lovely two lines that people tend to call “elevens” between my eyes (which I’m trying to diminish as much as possible! If you have recommendations on products you’re using for lines and wrinkles, I’d love to know!) amongst other things. Aging definitely isn’t fun but it’s part of life and I think as long as we do our part in taking care of ourselves as best we can I think that’s all that matters. The hard part is believing what you tell yourself every single day.

    Reply
  14. Hyunjee says

    July 23, 2015 at 4:24 pm

    Hi, thanks for your sharing! I’m 33 years old, and definitely feel getting older. It takes three months to get healed from back injuries now, as compared to three weeks in my 20s. I’m trying to take it as it is. There are also a lot of beautiful people in their late 60s and 70s, right?

    Reply
  15. C says

    July 24, 2015 at 3:20 pm

    Thank you for this post! First, it reminds me that we should never assume we know the struggles of others. Following your blog, I would have never considered you felt this way simply because you are so stylish & beautiful! I recently turned 30 and am in the exact same boat as you in terms of slight weight gain and having to wear my glasses again (it’s almost uncanny that you also had eye health issues recently.) My glasses used to be strictly something I wore before bed but now I have to wear them daily and it’s a huge struggle to style outfits around them. I always feel incredibly dumpy. While there is no one answer to resolving these negative thoughts it is comforting to know through your post + the comments that these feelings are ones that a lot of us share.

    Reply
  16. Sara says

    July 29, 2015 at 6:35 pm

    I think it’s really admirable to be open about this subject instead of pretending everything’s perfect. Aging is inevitable, and if we can do it with grace it’s a beautiful thing. What I mean by that is we must learn to accept ourselves and not the perfect standard that we hold ourselves to. It’s really hard! I’ve placed a lot of my self worth on my appearance and it’s just not a sustainable way to live a happy life. I’ve been learning to focus on the things that really matter and make me truly happy – not the ups and down kind of happy but the stable, contentment that comes from living a balanced life.

    When part of your job (as a blogger) requires you to pay close attention to how you look/your image, it’s easy to understand how these feelings of inadequacy can be amplified. I hope we can all continue to work towards treating ourselves well and dealing with the things we can’t control. I love your blog!

    Reply
  17. Kathy Ko says

    August 8, 2015 at 9:25 pm

    I am reading your blog while at work. During my younger years, I was teased for wearing glasses, teased for having “chia-like hair” and most of all, teased about being slightly overweight. Asian guys, especially, have so much issue with my weight even though I like myself as is. To a degree that I once went on a strict diet-and-exercise stint that resulted in me losing 20 pounds in about 3-4 months. To my dismay, people (guys and girls) starting being nicer to me because I was skinnier. It was a strange feeling as I felt exactly the same on the inside. Needless to say, I am now 36 and I have baby #2 on the way. My body sure has changed.

    Reply
  18. Ash says

    December 19, 2015 at 5:27 pm

    We live in a world that often tells us our value comes from our appearance. It’s a constant internal struggle to take the emphasis off of this, but it’s so important to do this as we get older. Everyone gets wrinkles, fights weight gain, notices these changes… if we are lucky! If you’re not getting older then you’re not alive!
    I especially relate to your eye problems. After wearing contacts since middle school, I could no longer wear them in my mid-twenties. After a year of wearing glasses, many teary nights being consoled by my boyfriend that I was still attractive, I decided to dip into my savings account to do laser eye surgery (PRK since I was not a good candidate for LASIK).
    I enjoy how you look past the superficial and instead focus on living well.

    Reply

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  1. The Weekly Rundown | 7.25.15 - Seasons & Salt says:
    July 25, 2015 at 4:07 pm

    […] On Beauty: Thoughts About Aging and Appearance. Jen Tam of Her Waise Choice contemplates breaking the link between a woman’s identity and […]

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My name is Jen, and I'm a Vancouver-based life and style content creator. This is simple space for documenting my making the most of my closet and I hope it may inspire you to do the same.

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